June 2016
There was something I had to do before taking Rose to Houston. Part of it was on doctor’s orders and part of it was because I needed some closure. Emile had agreed to take care of Rose while I was away. I hadn't wanted her going back to Ashford and Emile was like a saving grace.
“. . .and so. .it’s like what am I supposed to do I mean really ? And then there is Spencer. . .”
Claudia stuck a little plastic shovel in the sand and carefully considered the overturned plastic bucket in the sand. The sand was cool due to the fact that it was off season but it was still nice to be at the beach.
The plastic buckets and shovels were the remnants of items Clarice’s kids , Alma and Cary, had left in her green mini-van. A car I relentless teased her about.
The ocean was roaring in the background and we were alone on the beach.The three DeLune saisters making use of the Montauk beach house that used to be our annual family summer retreat. We’d grown up in the this house. We’d played in the sand together as children and learned to swim in the ocean. First kisses and engagements had happened here.
It’d been years since we’d spent a summer here as a family.
“Clara are you listening?”, Claudia asked waiving her stick thin arms in front of me.
“Yes.”
“No she’s not”, Clarice said from where she was carving windows into her rather impressive sandcastle.
“I know. Off in her own little world, just like Granny.” Claudia said
That comment got my attention.
“What do you mean. I’m not like her at all.”
I said it with the weight of things they knew nothing about it.
“You are”, Claudia said smiling, “I have Granny’s taste, Clarice has her sense but you got the habits that made Grandmother . . . Grandmother."
“I. . . do. . . not.”
“Please Clara. They way you just ran off to Europe flaunting your independence with Granpa’s money. That’s basically what she did after the divorce. It’s not a bad thing.”
“We all got some of Granpa’s money”, I reminded her
“ Well. . . we all didn’t date her ex-lover.”
I spit out my margarita in the sand. My sisters recoiled.
“Claudia. What. . .What. . .what are you talking about ?”
Clarice bought her hand over her mouth to hide a laugh.
“You remember . . . what’s his name ? Matthew Something. The board member. Remember he was at that beach party. I think he liked how you filled out that bikini.”
Oh. Oh, God. I started to slowly remember the
only man I dated after Rose was born. Rose had spent the weekend with Emile
while I was at our family cookout. It was my first time out with real people in
forever, He was funny and quite frankly he had a great hair.
“Shut up, Claudia. That was years ago and he did not date Lu--Grandmother . . . he was 20 years younger than her” I strained to remember the list of ‘special friends’ Lucie had brought in and out of our lives.
“I saw
his name in her little black book.” Claudia said
“Oh, stop. It was an address book.”
“With all men in it ?”, Claudia said as she refilled both our margaritas, “I can’t believe you still slept with him, he was almost 50.”
“Clara”, Clarice shook her head.
I laid back down in the sand taking my drink with me. This was not what I wanted when I’d talked my sisters into returning to the summer house for a weekend. They had both jumped at the chance. Clairce was a full-time Mom and wanted the break. I wasn’t sure what Claudia did but she wanted a vacation.
“It was one time Claudia, this is why I never tell you anything when I’m drunk.”
“I told you. . . you are just like Lucie. She always said age was just a number, sweetheart”,
At that Claudia toasted to her memory and Clarice still acted completely scandalized and didn’t say a word.
“Am I really like her ?” I asked more to the clouds
“It’s not a bad thing”, Clarice said, “She lived her life . A full one . . . a happy one.”
"That's your opinion", Claudia sneered.
"Claudia, why are you so hard on me”
“Oh Please Clara. I’ve been babying you long enough. I know everything with Mother affected you more than us and I gave you time, but you just jetted off leaving me to handle the legal stuff, explaining things to friends and Clarence. All while you’ve been running around trying to find yourself in Europe. ”
“I want to help. . . I do it’s just . . ..”
“It’s fine”, Clarice said “We’ve got it. It’s really not that much and Claudia stayed married to Derek long enough for him to do the legal stuff. Claudia’s just jealous. ”
I sat up and stared into my margarita for a long time.
“I invited you guys here because I wanted to tell you something.”
“Oh, are you finally getting married”, Claudia said through her drink. Claudia always knew more than she let on. Having had a total of two brief conversations with Mr. Fierro, Claudia was the sole member of my family most acquainted with him.
“No. It’s Rose . . . she’s sick. She has Leukemia.”, I kept talking wanting to get it all out, “It’s fine really it is. I know I’ve been distant and I wanted to see you two again. Life is so. . . precious. I know we haven’t been as close recently but—“
“Clara”, Clarice interrupted, “Whatever you need we are here for you.”
“It’s fine. Really. Don’t worry. It’s just she might need a stem cell if she gets better.”
“So. . .”, Claudia started and took off her shades, “You’re just here because you need something.”
“Claudia”, I rolled my eyes at her, "It's not like that."
Claudia slid her shades back on and refilled her margarita glass. There was a long silence. My sister’s had been busy with their own lives when Rose was born. They hardly knew her so this was a big ask.
“I mean I’ll do it when I find the time. I’m
just saying you've been distant.”, Claudia said.
“Oh, Please Claudia. You don’t even have a job you live off alimony.”
“See”, Clarice said lightly , “We are all a little like Grandma Lucie. Whatever you need we will help you. It’s what family does.”
+++
I decided not to tell my sisters that I was taking Rose to Houston. They didn’t need to know I would only be 1500 miles away. I called this thing I did—we did--a Faustian deal. The more time I spent around my sister the more they noticed how young I always seemed to look.
That night at the beach house I couldn't sleep. Instead I went through the closest and cabinets. I found all sorts of things. Unwrapped gift baskets, old cell phones, newspapers and a sewing kit. The most interesting thing I found was boxes and boxes of family photos.
I spread the photographs out on the table and relived almost every moment of my life through them; kindergarten, debutante balls, Christmases, summers in Italy and France, graduations, proms, vacations. It actually surprised me how much I looked like Rose when I was her age.
In the bottom of one of the boxes was a padded manilla envelope. Nothing good ever came in envelopes like that. I pulled a parcel wrapped in dusty crumbling parchment. I slipped off the string holding the parcel together.
More photos
Old photos
Very old
They were posed black and white photos. In the first one I recognized Lucie instantly. She’d always loved cameras so we’d grown up seeing old photos of her. In one she was standing next to a woman . . . her mother. They were infront of a hospital. I realized this must have been when Lucie’s Mom became sick. She was holding my Dad as a baby and Grandpa was standing behind her. . A shiver ran through me. Everyone in that photo was dead. I flipped it over and it read
Mama, Mrs. DeLune (me!) , Roger and Baby Martin.
I smiled and looked at the other photos.
There was another one of her and Grandpa, with Grandpa in his French Liberation Army uniform which made no sense because they met after the war. I could only assume she made him put it on so they could take the photo. There was another of them sprawled out under a Christmas tree.
I knew what the last photo would be before I even saw it. It was a small 4x6 portrait that had been taken in front of a barn. The lighting was a little off but that vintage glow was still there. It was of a man in a worn work shirt with perfectly parted hair, a content expression and the striking innocent eyes. Except for the eyes. . . he looked exactly the same.