LitanyLane

I pushed Peter away just as the door opened. Peter appeared to suddenly be interested in  the terrible view out of the window. I turned to face the mirror trying to hide my somewhat flushed appearance.

My grandmother appeared quizzical but left Rose with us and went back to tend to the waiting customers. Rosalie seemed to be in a better mood and had forgotten all out little tiff in the street.

“I like Mama Elena”, Rosalie whispered to me

“That’s good.”

I anxiously picked her up and turned to face Peter.

“Rosalie, this is my friend Peter. Say hello”

 As expected she buried her head in my shoulder and refused to play nice.

“It’s fine”, said Peter he tried not to appear offended, “It has been a long day, I have to get back to the embassy, more work to do.. . It's like it never ends”

“Okay, I’ll see you later”, I said automatically.I was still somewhat embarrassed that our kiss had been interrupted,but his sweet smile comforted me.

Rose and I settled into the spare bedrooms, she was relatively quiet and sat on the floor of her room drawing.

Even with a bustling restaurant down stairs I insisted on cooking dinner for my grandparents that night. We sat around the table and talked. I never realized how much in common I had with them, though I rarely saw them. I was glad they got along with Rose so well especially considering she had their last name.

I'm sure they thought it was an honor and not a result of my father's scheming and shame.

There was enough room in the upstairs living quarters for Rose to have her own room, though I insisted she sleep with me at night so I could keep an eye on her.

The next morning  my mother, trying to make amends, had sent me some white irises from my garden at home. the flowers were actually very pretty and she said my grandparents might enjoy them and they did.

The restaurant was empty so early in the morning and I weaved though the chairs and tables towards the circular stage in the middle of the restaurant. The small handcrafted stage wasn’t very big and only held a piano my grandparents  had purchased once they realized how gifted I was.

I ran my hands over the keys

When was the last time I had played ?

“You should play”, Mama Elena came down the stairs.

“I do”, I said

“No, play for the guest. If you’re going to stay you might as well work.”, she joked.

“Thanks for letting me stay; I really need to be around family now”

She hugged me assuring me that I was no burden to her.

“You grandfather and I don’t see our granddaughter enough. Stay as long as you want”, she said.

She and grandpa always insisted on calling Rosalie their granddaughter, they were must have been observant to how distant she was from my parents.

After having breakfast in the kitchen I decided to take Rose out sightseeing

She probably didn’t realize she was in another country and would only occasionally show frustration when realizing that she couldn’t understand what anyone was saying.

I took her to a children’s museum, she was of course tentative about being around other children and without Ann to keep her company she sat on the swing moving tentatively with her feet dragging in the sand. the other children and parents seemed to be avoiding her as well.

After several minutes of this I took a seat on the swing next to her.

“Rose, you know Ann is just a doll. She’s the same doll you’ve always loved.”

“No she’s not”, she said

“Well you could at least try to like the new Ann.”

“Fine”, she said begrudgingly, “but I’m not telling you a secret.”

“Okay”, I agreed knowing there were probably lots of things she didn’t tell me

We took a cab to the Borghese Gardens for the rest of the afternoon. All of the flowers were beautifully  in bloom for the summer.

“Do you want to read ?”, I asked finding an empty bench facing the fountain.

She shook her head and stepped along the edge of the fountains, she had no interest in reading

“Mommy ?”, She said          

“Yes.”

“Are you going to die ?’

I was taken back by her question, it seemed to have come out of nowhere.

“Well . . .We’re all going to die someday.” I settled for the default answer.

“I’m going to die too ?”

I stopped walking, there was no way she knew what was going on. Emile wouldn’t have told her and I refused to believe Victor had followed us here.

“. . .Well, yes”, I kneeled down so I was at her level, “but not for a very long time.”

She rested her ashen white hand on the side of my face, she looked at me oddly intently and didn't once blink. I looked away from her as she began to speak.

“You’re wrong, Mommy.”

“About what ?”

“Everything.”

She let go of me and skipped a little in front of me. I was frozen in place, livid at Rose for saying such things. Rose was simply perceptive she was just trying to scare me she must have been upset about Ann.

At least I hoped she was.



Once we arrived back to the restaurant, dinner service had already begun, it was too early for the romantic crowd but the space was buzzing with families speaking all sort of languages.

Grandmother insisted that I play Einaudi, one of my favorite contemporary composers though I doubted anyone could hear over the voices and the sounds of dinner being served.

The piano had a slight bit of dust on it and  it was covered with pictures of the Romano family that didn't fit on the walls, including a few of me and my sisters. I was surprised to see one of the very few pictures of Rose hidden among nameless relatives. It stood out to me because it was in a rather plain silver frame instead of a gold handmade one.

As I began to play I looked just above the piano and saw Peter sitting at a table alone in the VIP section.

The way the waitresses acted I assumed he came here everyday for dinner, I kept my eyes on him as I played. I wondered if he was avoiding me, he was dressed as if he had just gotten off of work at the Embassy his eyes moving from his phone and papers covering the table back to the menu.

I realized that if he did look at me it would mean that I would be playing for him, isn’t that how it worked ? I let my eyes wonder back to the white and black keys, Rose was also sitting near  me. She was hidingg just barley underneath the piano away from the dinner crowd.

I looked back at Peter's table. It was empty. My eyes began to search him out in the crowd but he was gone. . . or perhaps he was never there.

I began to concentrate on the music again, I used to be a far more disciplined player than I  am now. I became distracted when I noticed someone was standing next to me. I looked over quickly to see it was Peter. He dropped a few coins in the bell jar on the piano

“You don’t have to do that”, I said, “the jar is for decoration”

“I know”

“Besides,I don’t need the money.”

“Neither do I . You can buy something nice for Rosalie.”

I gave in and noticed Rosalie’s dropping eyes. It was getting late but I didn't feel it was afe to leave her upstairs alone. I looked around and didn’t see my grandparents anywhere amongst the crowd.

“Do you think you could watch her for a while ? Just untill she falls asleep”

“Are you sure”

“Yeah”, I turned to Rosalie, “Rose why don’t you sit with Mr. Peter for a while.”

She didn’t really respond but just slightly nodded her head.I watched carefully as they walked back to his table, after just a few minutes Rosalie feel asleep at the booth.

 It wasn’t till later that I realized that it was my music that had lulled her to sleep.


In my mind I began counting down the days till the third of July. Thirty eight days quickly became twenty eight  and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Except for her own tantrums Rosalie remained relatively unharmed. Even though I felt more relaxed something in me told me that perhaps we weren't really safe.

I kept waiting for Rosalie to start missing her cousins  , her bedroom or her tea set. Then I realized she probably considered the Rochester house as much her home as I did, and that wasn’t saying much.
.

Peter came by the restaurant for dinner every night, he said it was to hear me play but I knew we were both thinking of our kiss.  He was always working though he never talked to me about it we mostly reminisced about the past.

It seemed like Rosalie was always with me, so my time with Peter always felt short and censored.

During the first week of June Peter and I  took Rose on a day trip to Pisa. It was a beautiful coastal town  just hours from the city, I had never been and he offered to take me--to take us.

Rose always insisted I let her dress herself, even though I wanted to make sure she looked nice. She had taken it amongst herself to wear a nice blue outfit my mother had brought her, just seeing her wear it made me miss my mother.

Pisa was crowded that day, in honor of the Regetaa boat race on the Arno river. There were already hundreds of tiny replica sailboats racing from one side of the river to the other, they were all different colors and getting closer and closer to our side of the river.

A line of children had already formed at the water’s edge, hoping to catch one of the boats for a souvenir as they came ashore. Rose tentatively joined mostly because I pushed her into it, which was not an easy thing to do.

“What are you doing when we get back”, Peter asked looking at his watch

“I’m working”, I said, “filling in for one of the sick baristas.”

“You know Clara, it’s not like you to just decide to come back here, especially now that you have Rose”

“We just needed some time away”, I said biting my lip

“How much more time do you have left ?”

“I don’t know, but I do know I’ll be here next weekend if you want to ask me out.”, Peter always become inconsolably shy whenever he wanted to ask me out for a date even when we were engaged.

He dug the tip of his toe into the ground before looking back up at me.

“Would you like to go out next weekend, Clara ?”

“I would.” I said not taking my eyes from Rose.

The boats floated into the harbor, a red and white boat came in first place and people began  to cheer. The children carefully reached over to rescue on of the boats from the water.

It all happened so quickly, I didn’t even notice Rose watching as a boat sailed over to her. She sat on her knees and reachd out for it. He finger just barely grazed it before it moved farther away. She reached out further and her legs were a bit shakey. I suddenly imagined her falling in and I didn't think she could swim.

What would Peter think of me if  let something happen to her ?

I was suddenly at her side Peter was close behind me I couldn’t quite reach the floating boat either and as the wind changed direction it was carried off towards the other side of the river. I pulled Rose closer to the dock away from the water.

As I was holding her something felt different, I relaxed my grasp a little, feeling that little bit of happiness I felt ever so often. We stayed on the dock as the crowd thinned and the Regatta celebrations moved downtown at some point Peter joined us to watch the sunset



 My grandparents insisted that I let them watch Rose while I went out with Peter the next weekend. I was hesitant at first due to their old age but Rose wasn’t much trouble and had  memorized my cell phone number.

For the first time since  I arrived  I took the time to put on my make-up and actually get dressed up. I even bought myself  a dark violet dress with a low neckline with a fitted hem. Rose watched me carefully from the bed as I applied my lipstick and eye shadow.

I nervously curled the ends of my hair letting  it fall just to the top of my waist.

“Please don’t cause any trouble for Mama Elena and Grandpa, okay ?”

“I won’t”, she said brushing Ann’s yarn curls. Although I doubted it had been our little talk on the swings, she had softened up to the new doll  and would occasionally play with it. She didn't take her eyes off of her coloring when I said good-night to her and left the restaurant.

I decided to walk to Peter’s apartment, the weather was nice and it felt good to just walk without having to keep an eye on someone. I don’t know if it was being away from Rose or where I was headed that made me feel so good.

I slowed down as I got closer to the apartment building. The cobblestone streets were familiar and each of the post war buildings were just as I remembered. The same door man from 3 years ago still worked at the front desk.

 I took a breathe and stepped through when Peter met me at the front entrance.

“Hi”, I said

“Hi.”

He was dressed handsomely in a  soft button up shirt and dark jeans.

Peter took my hand and I followed him to the main street, we walked towards the corner hands carefully entwined.

“Where do you want to go?”, he asked as a town car pulled up

“I want to hear music. .. music that’s not my own. of course”

“There’s a Rachmaninov show case at Cardalleni Plaza.”, he made it sound as if he didn't know it was something I would enjoy

“Sounds good.”

By the time we arrived at the Cardalleni Plaza the concerts had already started. The weather had cooled some and I could even make out a few stars. Even though it was dark  outside all the concert  lights made it less menacing. Peter spoke with the manager, no doubt using his royalty status to find seats, I let it slide for the night


We were seated in the back but at the Orchestra there are no bad seats.The orchestra had just begun the exposition of  sonata number 2, the Sonata  I had studied ruthlessly in my class. I was probably the only one who could hear the little mistakes here and there.

“I can’t believe it.”, I said

“Never thought you would be back here.”

“No, I was talking about the music. Rachmaninov been dead for almost 5 decades and his music is still alive. What is it like to write something so—“

“Amazing ?”, he tried

“No. immortal. Something that gets to live over and over again.”

“Is this about your grandparents?”

“No, can’t this just be about music?”

He nodded and we turned our attention back to the orchestra. I had been somewhat blindly tapping along happy for this break in reality. The rest of the composition was executed perfectly. The unison of melody was overpowering when heard live. At the end and I gave them a standing ovation.

“You seem to really be enjoying yourself.”. Peter remarked

“It’s been a while since I’ve had the time to enjoy music like this.”

“We could meet the conductor, if you like.”

“Are you sure ? ”

I followed him back towards the stage where I once again let him use his royal status to meet members of the orchestra. Most of them were young and ambitious which reminded me of the students I had run out on back at home. A few of them had even gone to the Rome campus of my Family's school.

We had a late dinner at a dark intimate restaurant , I offered to pay for his favorite wine. Our conversation was idle but never hesitant.

“So, do you still have nightmares?”, he asked in the middle of desert, not quite sure how to go about it.

“No so much.”, I lied

“You know. . . when you did you used to say this name.”

I choked a little on my wine, spilling some on my dress.

“Name ?”

“Uh, Lucie I think it was.. . Your other grandmother right ?”

“Well, uh, she always did terrify me a little.”. I laughed nervously.

He wasn’t satisfied with my answer.

“Clara”, he suddenly became very serious, “ If you really are ready to be with me, then I have to ask you to at least tell me something about what happened when you disappeared.”

“I told you I  don’t remember.”

“If you don’t remember then what are the nightmares about and what about Ro—“

“Do we have to do this now.” I looked around the quiet restaurant and began to whisper “I told you I don’t remember, all I remember is—“

“Waking up in your grandfather’s house. To be honest Clara. . . I don’t believe you. You went missing for more than 4 months”

“I’ve had to defend myself to my family, to a therapist even to the police I shouldn’t have to do it with you either. It’s just a part of me you’ll have to accept”, I realized I was shouting.

Lies lies lies

When had I become so good at this?

"I guess I can try", I could tell he was saying it to avoid a scene,  but perhaps he was being honest, "Clara I can't tell you how happy I am I ran into you. . . but I need you to be honest with me from now on."

"I don't have anything to hide"

I pretended to be interested in the wine menu hoping to alleviate some of the tension I had caused.




We talked about non-serious things on the way back to our—his—apartment. The doorman was off for the night so I took his invitation to go upstairs.

The quiet elevator ride to the top floor was the longest silence we had all night. I took his hand as the elevator began to descend as a silent apology. He took my hand and kissed it followed by a quick kiss on the lips.

The elevator doors opened to the open-air living room and kitchen, with a glass wall showing a view of downtown Rome, the ornamental winder’s staircase on the side led to the upstairs bedrooms

There were a few changes in the decorations and some of the furniture placement. but apart from that it was just as I had left it. The entire place was untouched and it did not look like he spent alot of time at home. There was a piano in the living room but I bypassed it for now.

I approached the balcony, gently sliding the door open and stepping out to the fresh air.

“They’re dead”, I said stepping outside.

The humble little garden that I had worked so hard to plant when I first moved in  had been reduced to a  pile of cold  dirt and dried plants. The soil was freezing and begging for water. But what could I expect after so many years ?

I carefully kneeled down on the balcony and took some of the cold dirt into my hand

“I didn’t mean too”, he said, “You just weren’t here to take care of it.”

He kneeled down beside me turning my hands so the dirt sprinkled back onto the ground. I brushed my hands along my dress and turning we stood up together and kissed again.

I stopped and rested my face next to his. I moved my hands around his neck, pressing my lips closer to his ear.

“I’m sorry I got so upset earlier”

“You can trust me Clara.”

“I know and I will”, I said, "from now on"

I almost tripped stepping of the balcony but he caught me, cradling me in his arms. He slowly moved his mouth from mine and began placing kisses along my jaw and down my neck. His eyes were bright, sincere. No one had ever really looked at me like that, ecspically even now.

I peered up at him, noticing the darkening lines under his perfect green eyes  I had always been somewhat jealous of. There was also the pure  simplicity of his smile, it made me smile.

I kissed him deeper this time stepping closer into his strong chest., my arms made their way around his neck . I couldn't remember the last time I had been so close to someone else, someone had wanted me.

I should have been 1000 miles away grading papers alone in my room, I should have been a million different places but I was exactly where I wanted to be.


The low polyphonic sound of Moonlight Sonata broke through my restless sleep. With my eyes closed I reached for my cell phone, keeping my face pressed against Peter’s chest.

“Hello ?”, I hadn’t bothered to look at the caller id

“Is it morning there ? I just wanted to see how things are going.”, my mother chimed on the other end

“Good, Rosalie is spending a lot of time with her great-grandparents.”

“She is ?”

“Yes, Mother. I even let them watch her while I went out.”

There was a long silence before she spoke again.

“Clara ? are you okay ?”

“I’m actually better than okay.”

Peter stirred in his sleep, before lightly snoring again.

“Are you sure your grandparents were watching Rosalie.”

“Yes, mother they promised--”

“Clara they can’t promise anything. . . they’ve been dead for two years.”